Tragedy is the one and only word. As Mr. Fong was reading, I felt my stomach turn and twist. I was worried and already knew what was coming but refused to believe it. But then he said the words, the words that would have forever changed the ASTI community. From that moment and on, my views on ASTI were different. I felt a sudden hatred build inside my body. I felt it twist my organs and I could feel my stomach stretch turn and twist. Slowly the hatred build up and I knew eventually I would lose my temper because of it. I tried to stay strong and keep calm because had I not, I would have probably gotten violent. Up until we walked into Mr. Sutherland's room, I was fine so I decided to go write on the big poster provided for us and tell him (Mr. Sousa) that I loved him but that was when it went all bad. Mr. Fong walks in with a picture of Mr. Sousa and pastes it right on the poster. I look up briefly and it hits me, he was gone and he was staring at me with his beautiful colored eyes. He was right there in front of me, the man that inspired me, taught me a lot, the one I respected with all my heart. I stared into his eyes and decided I would wrap up my message because I couldn't sit there and bare that.
I walked away as a million thoughts were flowing through my head. So I decided to take it outside and just think on my own so I stepped outside, stared at the sky, and just went crazy. I cussed at everything in the world in my mind and just thought to myself, "Why Mr. Sousa?" He was like my grandpa, I loved him, respected him, and no other teacher could ever be like him. He was something else, a special person that I had just met and yet he had made the hugest impact ever. They say the good people go the fastest and for the first time, I had seen that happen. He was a great, courageous, caring, and outstanding man and to see him go is like having a year of absolutely no sunshine on Earth. Will I ever let this go? Probably not, I will never like any other PE teacher and I hate going to PE because I won't be with Sousa. He won't be there to tell me that he's proud of my improvements and that he knows I can do it. Well maybe the "replacement" can, but hey, they can NEVER be on Sousa's level, he was different. Someone that no one can ever replace and I think about it until this day... I love you with all my heart Sousa and I will never replace you and nor will I forget you. I love you Grandpa and don't forget that.
And now my aunt (mom's older sister) is soon dying of cancer...every time I think about people dying and our reactions to death, I lament how our culture (not just American culture, but wider than that I think) does not acknowledge the intimacy of death to life...know what I mean? We all want to celebrate LIFE, without realizing how death is an inseparable part of it. And then when death comes, we feel all surprised and angry and sad and confused and guilty and all this stuff. We leave ourselves unprepared for death, even though it is a fundamental part of life...in fact it's THE SAME THING as life, from a certain point of view. I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but I wanted to at least leave something here because I appreciate what you have written and I know a little something about what you feel about Mr. Sousa's passing. I miss him too, and I didn't even take his class!
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